From my youth, I have always been a listener. I can't say that I was trained that way. I can't say that my home was a place where people discussed important topics, nor were we even like the Huxtables and talked about all the dimensions of our problems, until we solved them. No, my upbringing was far from that image. To my own bewilderment, I was so different from all that I saw, I can't to this day explain it.
As a child I would just sit back and observe. It wasn't a conscious or deliberate thing. As things unfolded before my eyes, I would just sit back and let them happen. Not in a disconnected sense or I would not have retained or learned all that I did. I can't tell you how or when I learned what I did. One day, many years later, even sometimes just months later, I would find myself offering advice or adding to a conversation with a friend or acquaintance, something I know I had not studied in books or in a classroom. Friends would share stories that would blow my mind, and internally my mind would be saying, "this can't be true", but they would never know what I was thinking. I would just listen to the despair or frustration, as if I had no thought of my own. The only thing that mattered was that they felt comfortable sharing things that I know you can't share with just anyone.
I am not referring to conversations with adults or even young adults; we were kids. Don't get me wrong, I was genuinely interested in everything they had to say. I don't even think I wondered why they felt comfortable telling me things they wouldn't even share with their own parents. Some times the issues were about the parents. I would listen, offer my support in words that don't typically come from a thirteen year old. I look back now and still lack a vivid understanding as to why or how. I had a friend tell me (more than once) that I saved her life. Now, the first time she told me this, it didn't even really register. I guess because I felt she was exaggerating. But years later, she said it again. When she said it the second time, it triggered the memory of the first time. I was a little taken aback. I asked her what she meant by that. How did I save her life? I didn't remember pushing her from the path of an oncoming car; I didn't recall jumping into a lake or swimming pool to save her from drowning (we would both have been in trouble there). She shared with me a time when we were about 12 or 13 years old. A time when she was hurting and distressed and to be honest I couldn't clearly remember all the details, but it was her pain and her memory, I was only the container she poured her pain into. Oh, I am sure her pain did not completely disappear, but since she did count that experience as life-saving, I would have to conclude that the measure of relief was such that it gave her a will to live.
I did not know that she was suicidal, all I knew was she is my friend, and listening was second nature to me.
There are times when God doesn't reveal all His purpose or reason for the challenges and struggles we have in our lives. Believe me, there are times now when I would like for Him to just come out with it! Just tell me that I will have to wait for another 3 years before I will meet the man you have promised. Just tell me that the latest person to show up in my life will not be here long, so don't get attached. Just tell me that faith doesn't work for me like it did for sister so-n-so; that I will have to PRESS through to see the promise of my destiny. Just tell me that the people who have hurt me, will not ever come to me and say, "I am sorry".
Why do we (yes, Christians too) hurt one another? Why do we not see our own sin? I guess it's not that we don't see it, geesh we are committing it. But, why is it so easy for us to harm a sister or brother in the Lord and go on as if nothing took place? Do we put down our mantle of righteousness at the car door after Sunday Service? These are questions I find myself asking when I am suffering and all the godly people around me don't seem to notice or care. Well, I can't honestly say ALL the people. But, there are a few that you have to wonder about sometimes. How can you see or hear that a sister is suffering or in need and still only focus on what she can do for you? I want to believe that we still have some growing to do. That God is still working on all of us and creating a "heart of flesh" in us.
My sister use to tell me, many years ago, that I didn't have friends. There were only about 2 people in my life that she defined as friends to me. Why? Primarily because, I was doing most of the giving. I am a giver, so it doesn't dawn on me that a person could be manipulating me or taking advantage of my humility and kindness. Even now, my heart is not suspicious toward people, most likely because I don't go about trying to take advantage of others myself. I give freely, but that doesn't exempt me from humanness. So what do the loving and faithful do? WE PRAY AND TRUST. We check our own heart to be sure that we are not working out of some brokenness of the past. This is to do as the Bible tells us, to "guard our heart". We are to be humble and caring, but not to the point of martyrdom. In the Kingdom of God, the one and only martyr required has already given Himself. Jesus tells the Church to "occupy till He comes" back. We are commanded to "Go..." and to "Love one another, as Christ has loved us".
I am up at 6a.m., having only spent approximately one hour sleeping before God woke me. After laying wondering why I can't go back to sleep, I asked God to tell me what He wanted me to do. Is there somewhere in the word you want me to go? What? He took me to James 5:10-16. The church I attend sponsors an annual women's conference. This year it will be held in Houston, TX. I registered for this conference last year, after the 2010 meeting. It looks like I won't be able to attend the meeting I signed up for a year ahead. Now this may sound a bit trivial to you, but for me last year was a step of faith. The expectation was that the conference this year would be held at our home church, like last year. My challenges have been many and varied in the past decade. They have even escalated to the point of me being removed from my job for health reasons. So, all these factors were at play last year when I "stepped out on faith". Then a few months later, rumors started floating that the location may change. Getting to my point.
Now not working, health issues have worked their long running interference on my finances, and a coworker, who once would have been considered a friend, wants me to call her. This person hasn't spoken with me (until just before I was removed from my job) for over a year. No reason or explanation, they just stopped speaking with me. At the time I realized something was wrong, I had many things going on in my life that could not be ignored. This type experience with this individual was not the first, it happened once before. Well, my life was filled with challenges, and I was trying to help another coworker through a devastating loss. I did not have time to sit back wondering what I could have done to generate this type reaction. We worked together and attend the same church. During the silent year she would come to visit the desk of another person who sits ahead of me, and someone on the other side of me, but not me. My life has seen so much hell, this is a battle I will NOT take up. The silence went on for over a year, because I refused to yield to this level of immaturity. We are women of God and adults. So I let her have her tantrum, while I fought a fight that I could not ignore on my job.
Its now time for the conference and I have paid money that I cannot get back. I sent a text to a coworker, to ask if she can get an email address from this sister, so that I can contact someone at the church. She did respond to my request, but I was asked to call her. The first question was about my job situation; then my return to work. After I explained the details of my absence, the discussion turned to my conference registration. Would I be attending? Could she purchase my registration, if not?
Read: James 5:10-16; Matthew 24:1-14; 25:31-46; Phillipians 2:1-8
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