I grew up in a house where pessimism and criticism ruled. Daily I was bombarded with reminders of how inadequate I was. As I grew up, that image of 'less than perfect', or always coming up short was embedded in my own self-constructed image. No matter how pretty my 'eyes' were, I never seemed to qualify as a whole person. This did not come only from home, it came from just about every avenue of my life; school, church, social events. As much as I loved to dance, when the teen years arrived and I could "go out" to clubs, I was hardly ever asked to dance. This only reinforced the distorted image I had of myself, from years of being 'unacceptable'. Now, my relationship with my father was good. As a child, he was truly the light of my life. He did not do much talking, but whatever he had to give, if I asked, he would give it. Usually it wasn't anything big. I guess that was an indication of how I saw myself? It really doesn't matter much now because what I wanted or needed from my daddy, he was there when I called.
Yes, my parents divorced when I was about 11 years old. That hurt my heart beyond expression. The day my daddy left the house I watched him take his clothes from the house to the car. It made no sense!! He was a good father and husband, from my vantage point. He worked, he came home every day and took care of us. I asked him if I could go with him and he told me my mother would be able to take better care of me. He did let me ride with him to the place where he would be temporarily. When I saw it I truly wanted to cry. This was not the place for my daddy. He can't live in this place!! As a youth, drowning in negative comparisons, statements of disappointment, I just could not take any more. I would scream at my mother, feeling there was no one else who would take care of me. I had to take care of myself. Rejection was deeply rooted in my life, so people I called friends could not be trusted with my heart. My close friends (a few) accepted me as I was. They came to me with their stories and pain. I don't know that I ever had a chance to tell mine. It was okay because in those moments, my personal value was being calculated differently. Someone else saw value in me.
As time went on, the see-saw of daily emotional contradictions continued. The negative declarations from my mother; and when I was just desperate for real caring and attention, I would call my daddy and he would come running. Usually the call would have to have purpose (or so I thought), so I would ask for McDonald's or Burger Queen (I know that is foreign to some of you), etc. I don't think I really understood what I was doing until much later. Whatever it took to get the real love I had come to recognize in my father, that is what I would do.
Many years later, approaching age 40, my adulthood and life experience brought me full circle. Over time I went back and put many pieces of the puzzle together. I saw my mother in a light, that as a child, I could not see. I saw my mother in the context of her life experience. I saw a woman raised during the great depression. I saw a black woman raised under the threat of an alcoholic father, during racial injustice in the South and the Jim Crow years. I saw a woman who had her own struggles with weight, that played into her self image issues; made worse not having a father's love. I saw a woman who had never really learned how to relinquish control herself, and allow God full trust in her circumstances. She prayed, she still goes to church and serves. As an Adult, I could see more clearly that my mother gave me--what she had.
Who assigns your value? Is it your mother, your father, friends, relatives, instructors, your boss, your husband/wife or significant other? None of these do. Your value and worth were assigned to you before you were aware of your own life. God purposed you, He thought of you, He intended you and the Bible says, He called you and ordained you. Before your mother even knew of you, God had already decided that He wanted you. Your value was not counted up in your deeds, your willingness to serve people, in your beauty or physical appearance. You aren't counted worthy because you have gifts and talents that make people gush with pride; nor were you devalued because you may have come short of the requirements of people. This is the measure of your value to God, that God sent His Son Jesus as payment for our sin. [In the beginning of the Bible, we know the story of Adam and Eve and how they disobeyed God's command to stay away from a certain tree in the Garden. In this act, they committed sin. Because Man, in God's original creation, is the highest form of creation, when they sinned all creation was affected. Today when we break a law, we have to pay a price for breaking that law. The same is true in spiritual things.] Adam and Eve were in an inferior state from their original condition. They were fallen, and their dominion was given up in the process. To restore Us back to our rightful place in God, Jesus was the ultimate payment for the sin of the man. So if God says you are worth the life of His Son, no one on this planet can assign a lesser value to you or your life.
Destiny Point: God decided that He wanted you. God decided that He loved you. God decided that despite your flaws and mistakes; despite the effects of the road you came down, despite the hard places you have slept in, regardless of what your parents, (so called) friends or family may have said to devalue or hurt you---God purposed You. GOD SELECTED YOU specifically because You are beloved of Him. He has placed a treasure inside you that He wants to use. So there is a choice to make. Agree with God who made and intended you and paid an extremely high ransom for you, or agree with other broken people who have to realize their value too?
Scriptures: Ephesians 6:1-4; John 3:16; Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 139:14
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